Subject Line: Becoming financially independent through education.
Dear Susan,
I just wanted to let you know that the Cache Valley Area Investors Association will be meeting on Feb. 28, 2008 at 7 p.m. at the Cache Valley Chamber of Commerce located at 160 N. Main St. in Logan to go over more techniques that can help insure financial independence.
Cache Valley Area Investors Association (CVAIA) has been providing education for people of all ages on how to better make their money work for them. The association has only been around for a little over six months and has already seen great success. It is free to join and each week a new topic is discussed.
If you are available on Feb. 27, 2008 between 6 p.m. and 9 p.m., I can set up a meeting with Preston Parker, founder and myself to give you more information.
Please get back to me with a time that works best for you. I can be reached by email at whit.b@cvaia.com or you may also contact Preston at pp@cvaic.com.
Thanks,
Whitney Barney
4 comments:
AP Style is to put commas on both sides of years when they are written with a specific date.
Look up insure and ensure and decide which word you really mean to write.
Avoid the word "techniques" and instead use "education," "information, " or "mentality."
Put the person's contact info right before the salutation in the beginning.
Nice to mention how this association relates not only to the person you are pitching to, but also to the readers. Making this connection explicit will help make your pitch more successful.
Put your contact info at the bottom after your name. Identify your relationship with the association.
You would put a date at the beginning.
Also, have your call to action sentence at the end be a separate paragraph so it stands out.
You last made up email is spelled wrong.
Good with info early on. Nice call to action. And you covered the basics well. See you later.
Whitney,
First of all I liked how you kept it simple and cut to the chase. Maybe have a more personal salutation, but then again it's up to you, you don't want to be to much of a shmoozer. Overall good job!
P.S. I got the assignment sheet from Preston yesterday for our team project, sorry about being gone, I will try and make it up to you and JP. I'll talk to you tommorow!
Peace.
Scotty Grover
Good job! i think you delivered your message well in a way that would be positively received!
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